Random Reflections

to me, a panic attack is when everything youve ever worried about suddenly hits you in the stomach and consumes your every thought every single life event that has ever impacted you just running through your mind so you think about cutting, maybe just to snap yourself out of it.. but then you imagine it and you know that the fat on your leg would actually swallow the razorblade and completely screw up the clean process it should be and then you get a fresh wave of self disgust.. so pure that you want to vomit.. and then you realise how pointless it is, everything, life, trying, and how if people knew how you were thinking they would realise how much of a failure you are, how much you amounted to in your head. Nothing. Nohing at all. Just a bundle of thoughts. Raging and exhausting and draining and pulsing and stopping you from sleeping and making you curl into a ball not knowing how much time has gone by. I wish I could explain this to someone rationally without having this reaction. But I cant. The words cant leave my mouth. Its not only all in my head but its just me drawing attention to myself, making something up that doesnt exist to make myself more interesting, being affected by things people shouldnt be affected by. Because ive had a good life. Why should I complain? People have been through so much more than me. What makes my life and my problems special and worth sorting out. I should be able to do this on my own. I guess that proves just how useless I am.